Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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