just come out here and I will go home with you...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
