I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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