Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
