I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
