her vagine was all disorganized.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize