Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
