i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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