Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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