I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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