Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
