Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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