hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
