you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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