Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
