i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
