i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
