Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
