____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
