I smell stomach acid.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
