Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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