69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize