Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
