If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize