I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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