and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
