i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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