i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
