Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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