I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
