He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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