You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
