don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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