I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
