Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
