Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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