i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
