well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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