Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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