I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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