I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
