I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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