be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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