I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
