Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
