Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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