I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
