I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
