Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
