I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
