don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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