Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
