i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
