My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
