Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
