I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
