bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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