How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
