I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
