Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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