They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
