so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
